Shame is a dark secret lurking inside many of us, underlying the belief that we are not enough, too much, too sensitive, broken, weird, wrong. Shame is a social emotion, arising in the context of our relationships - the message of shame is that we have violated the social contract, not because of something wrong that we did, but because of who we are. And if there is something intrinsically wrong with us, then there’s nothing we can do to fix it or change it - all we can hope to do is try and make up for it and hope no one notices that we’re actually a bad person underneath it all.
If we dig a little deeper, though, we start to realize that shame lies. Shame tells a trauma survivor that they are responsible for the harm someone inflicted on them, removing responsibility from the person who caused harm to the person who experienced it. Shame tells autistic people that they are being rude or annoying when they ask for sensory accommodations. Shame tells people with ADHD that they are lazy when they got too wrapped up in a project to do the dishes.
Shame doesn’t ask questions or show compassion. Shame identifies someone responsible for disrupting the status quo, inconveniencing others, or causing discomfort and demands that same someone fix the supposed problem by fixing themselves. Stay quiet, do what you’re told, don’t make a fuss.
Therapy can be a powerful opportunity to unlearn shame by questioning these messages and shifting our view of ourselves - not as people who are fundamentally wrong, but as people whose feelings, needs and experiences deserve respect and understanding.
